Tentang Sandaran

Rebahkan dirimu di bahuku, sayang  
Biar aku lebarkan
Sehampar kerendangan
Menjadi teduhan jiwa yang termalang.

Usah dikenang-kenang yang telah lalu
Akan aku sekakan
Demi satu untaian
Derai genang tangis yang jatuh meluru.

Sandarkanlah hidup dan harapmu, sayang
Segala kegalauan
Akan aku usirkan
Agar mekar hidupmu tiada berbayang.

On Things I Like and Dislike, Part II

(With apologies, yet again, to Susan Sontag)

Things I like: New York Times’ Spelling Bee. Nina Simone. Swimming. Soto ayam. Praying at the Rawdhah. The Verve. Kampung Boy. Mishary Rashid al-Afaasi. Wayang kulit. P Ramlee. Cellos. The smell of coffee in the morning. Tekken. Sunlight. Taylor Swift. Elton John. Spock. New Labour. Tun Dr. Ismail. Isaac Asimov’s Foundation. Matt Damon. The Boston Red Sox. Drinking water. Snoop Dogg. Michelle Yeoh. John Mayer. Angkor Wat. Public parades. The colour blue. Benedict Cumberbatch. Bruno Mars. Taipei. Having my hair washed. Rihanna. The azan. The West Wing. Masjidil Haram. Anderson Paak. Robotech cartoons. Port Dickson. Dean Acheson. Gregory Porter. Nasi padang. John Wick. Gin rummy. Halal. Going to bookstores. Christopher Nolan movies. Karipap. Vetiver. U2. Friends from the office. Lat. Nasi lemak Tanglin. Serial.

Things I dislike: Taugeh. Silk. Rudolph Giuliani. Ismail Sabri. Burberry. Madonna. Boris Johnson. Cherry Coke. Late-era Coldplay. That groggy feeling you get after napping during the day. Mussolini. Akon. Sarah Palin. Fagin. Ferdinand Marcos. 1Utama. James Joyce. Taking minutes in meetings. Nigel Farage. Conditional love. Arresting people for not fasting in Ramadan. American healthcare. Military coups. Henry Kissinger. Desperate Housewives. Bacon. Genting. Elon Musk. Twilight. Boyzone. Restaurants that insist on seating you right next to a storm drain. Flyover intersections on the highway. Americans calling their sports championship game “The World Series” as if the rest of the world does not exist or matter. Property developers. Tabloid stories about crumbling marriages. The New York subway. Liverpool Football Club.

Things I like: Iago in Disney’s Aladdin. Father John Misty. BFM. Josiah Bartlet. Michael Jordan. Ella Fitzgerald. Eslite. Tokyo. Reciting the Quran in Masjid Nabawi. Iron and Wine’s Passing Afternoon. Tony Blair (in 1997). Travis. Street food in Penang. Bill Clinton. Arthur C Clarke. Alec Guinness. The Singapore MRT. Pep Guardiola. Radiohead. Yam croquettes. Kinokuniya. Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. Conrad’s Nostromo. Full Metal Solid on Playstation 2. Cotton. Bung Karno. Shakespeare. Kyoto. Autumn leaves. Mat Som. Nasi lemak Village Park. Ariana Grande. Ripley in Alien. John Donne. Prince of Persia. J. R. R. Tolkien. Roald Dahl’s B.F.G. That new car smell. Elizabeth Warren. Orange juice. The Tube in London. Generative Artificial Intelligence. The Boston Celtics. Donny Hathaway. Wordle. Bangkok. Harry Styles.

Things I dislike: Iago in Othello. Ted Cruz. Rosmah Mansor. Tinder. Propaganda. People who put billionaires up on a pedestal. 50 Shades of Grey. Cameron Highlands during school holidays. George W Bush. Branded goods. KLIA aerotrain. The Adjudicator in John Wick. Concrete. Vincent Tan. American obsession with guns. Hypocrisy. Crazy girlfriends. Hadi Awang. Homelessness in cities. Fox News. Dating. Boomers. Narendra Modi. Bailouts for bankers. Demolishing people’s homes in order to build urban highways. Grab. Capital punishment. Jakarta traffic. Modern “abstract” Malaysian batik. Dato’ Seri Vida. Manchester City Football Club. SS2. Miley Cyrus. Jose Mourinho. Newt Gingrich. Harry Maguire. Haggis. Regressive consumption taxes. Synthetic fibres. Profile carriers. Crawling up to kings in coronation ceremonies.

On Mercy and Compassion

During Ramadan, I think a lot about how, of all His Ninety-Nine Names that He has claimed for Himself, it is The Merciful and The Compassionate that takes centre stage.

Ar Rahman. Ar Rahim.

Almost every chapter in the Quran would be prefaced with Bismillahirrahmanirrahim – In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate.

Given how so many of our religious functionaries can spew fire and brimstone over His Justice and His Punishment, it is curious that it is Mercy and Compassion that is central to the Muslim conception of God. The satanic desire to elevate oneself, to inflate one’s ego – I was made out of fire, unlike that other puny creature made merely out of clay – can often lead to a sense of misplaced grandeur, and has certainly led many to believe, probably erroneiously, that they speak with His authority.

If the Christian God is said to privilege Love, then the Muslim God puts the relationship between the Creator and the human in its proper place: the makhluq are humble creatures who depend on Him for everything: for our wealth, for our success, for every breath of air that we take. We need His Mercy and His Compassion for our survival, for our very existence.

I believe that by putting Mercy and Compassion at the very centre of Muslim ritual and practice, God is modeling the way for us to exist in our own everyday life and in our dealings with our fellow humans. Prioritise mercy and compassion with your loved ones, with the ones you meet in your everyday.

If Mercy and Compassion are at the heart of the nature of the Divine, then by being merciful and compassionate ourselves, we too can strive to touch the Divine in everything that we do, and everything that we are.

Tentang Melayu, 2023

(dengan pohonan maaf buat arwah Tongkat Warrant)

Melayu itu orang yang bijaksana,
Nakalnya beriring senyum,
Budi bahasa berbunga kuntum,
Kurang ajarnya tetap hormat,
Tutur kata tersusun cermat.

Tapi Melayu kini sudah mula berubah:

Bila menipu tak tau malu,
Bila menyakau berbilion disapu,
Bila mengampu lebat berkipas,
Taat pada bos tiada berbatas.

Tetap berani walau bersalah,
Walau ranap cembul khazanah,
Sudah jadi adat,
lidah menipu ligat.

Melayu di tanah Semenanjung luas maknanya:
Jawa itu Melayu,
Bugis itu Melayu,
Keturunan Nusantara adalah Melayu.
Sekarang ini taikun itu Melayu,
Peguam itu Melayu,
Akauntan itu Melayu,
CEO itu Melayu.
Tapi sayangnya,
Yang menunggang agama itu juga Melayu,
Yang memberi rasuah, Melayu,
Yang makan rasuah, memang ramai Melayu,
Yang sakau duit rakyat itu Melayu,
Tapi masih tergamak mengaku
kununnya dialah pembela Melayu.

Dalam sejarahnya,
Melayu itu pengembara berani,
Melawan penjajah demi pertiwi,
Melorongkan jalur bangsa merdeka,
Mentadbir negara adil saksama.
Namun sayangnya,
Begitu luas khazanah negara,
Dijarah disakau pengkhianat bangsa.

Melayu itu kaya falsafahnya,
Kias kata pepatah lama,
Tapi sayangnya,
Akalbudi pupus dibedal,
Kuasa menang melawan akal.

Melayu sekarang kuat bersorak,
Bangga rezeki Tiktok secupak,
Sedangkan kampung lama tergadai,
Sawah ladang tinggal tersadai,
Tali di tangan mudah dibuang,
Timba yang ada diberi orang,
Dengan harga seguni Birkin,
Amanah rakyat dibuat main.

Melayu itu masih bermimpi,
Walaupun sudah mengenal Harvard, LSE,
Sanggup merompak bangsa sendiri,
Berkelahi cara UMNO,
"Ready to fight" jadi laungan,
Tapi tak sanggup bertarunglawan,
Marahnya dengan diam,
Musuh dibidik dengan meriam,
Menangnya cara kasar,
Ghanimah cita sebenar.

Melayu asalnya menolak permusuhan,
Tapi Melayu hari ini tiada sempadan,
Kalau menang, menang terpaling,
Kalau kalah, ke lubang cacing.

Maruah dan agama jadi tunggangan,
Berlumba demi mencari gelaran,
Alphardnya hitam berkilat,
Lencana kereta mempamer pangkat,
Banglo besar di Bukit Jelutong,
Hidupnya berkiblat laba dan untung.

Baiknya hati Melayu itu tak terbandingkan,
Semua ujaran Presiden patuh diturutkan,
Sehingga tercipta sebuah kiasan:

"Nak hidup, bos!"

Bagaimanakah Melayu abad kedua puluh satu,
Masihkah sanggup asyik tertipu?
Jika yakin kuasa Ilahi,
Usah penyamun dijulangtinggi,
Jika percaya kepada keadilan,
Jangan malu perjuang kebenaran.
Jadilah bangsa bijak dan gagah,
Tolak penghasut tolak perasuah,
Peganglah erat talian Allah,
Jadilah tuan negara bermaruah.

Tentang Jalur Gemilang

Jalur merah putih itu,
Berselang seli menyulam darah dan keringat,
Memaksa sebangsa agar tekun mengingat
Pengorbanan dulu.

Medan biru melaut,
Kanton megah yang terhampar aman,
Lambang hikmah sebuah kebangsaan,
Padamu kami berpaut.

Sabit dan bintang,
Kuning payungan gemilang daulat,
Setianya kami teguh tiada bersyarat,
Selamanya dijulang.

On First and Third Worlds

It was a typical balmy KL afternoon as we were driving towards Mid Valley. The sky was clouded over, and there was a faint promise of rain. As I was steering the car gently towards the basement parking entrance of the Gardens mall, the entrance booth slowly came into view. I did the usual instinctive thing, reaching out to the console on the car’s dashboard where I normally keep my Touch ‘n’ Go card. Just as I was about to lift the card out of its faux-leather sleeve, I noticed, at a glimpse from the corner of my eye, that the parking terminal accepted not only the usual cashless payment of Touch ‘n’ Go, but would also accept credit card payments, including MyDebit, with its distinctive Wifi-looking logo.

“Eh. Can pay with credit card now. I wonder if I can use Apple Pay for parking here.”

“Ooh,” Kat replied. “Try lah.” My wife knew me too well enough by now to know two things. One: I hate unfair and inefficient monopolies on public services, with a level of detestation that Kat herself would normally reserve for cat torturers. Two: ever since I was able to use Apple Pay on my iPhone, I have been constantly delighted at the ability to merely double-press a button, look at my phone to unlock the Apple Pay pay option, and then simply swipe my phone over a terminal to effect payment – my favourite First World-level dopamine shot.

I tried it – and voila, it worked! There I was, happily steering my car past the parking entrance booth with a big smile on my face. Never fails.

Anyways, some minutes later, I found a parking spot not too far from the lobby entrance (another pet habit of mine, the pursuit of which can sometimes drive Kat out of her mind), and as we were heading up the escalators and found ourselves walking past the shops on the lower ground level, a sudden thought came to my mind:

Alamak! Now I remember: the last time I used Apple Pay to enter a parking lot, I couldn’t exit. This silly building in Bangi hadn’t updated its parking system, and so I could enter the parking with Apple Pay, but the parking terminal couldn’t recognise my Apple Pay when exiting. Hmm. I wonder if I might get stuck when we exit later.”

“Oh well,” Kat said, as she normally would when entertaining my sudden bouts of petty anxiety. “If we can’t exit nanti, you just hit the intercom and ask for help, lah. You’ll be that guy, but it won’t be the end of the world.”

“Hmm, okay.” I shelved the thought away from my mind, and for the next two hours, I didn’t think much of it: the movie turned out to be much more entertaining than I had expected, and by the final joke at the end of the movie credits, the entire hall erupted in whoops of delighted laughter.

“Good movie, huh?? Jarnathan hahah!!!” I was beaming.

“Yeah!” Kat grinned. We fell into talking about our favourite parts of the movie, excitedly. It was a good afternoon.

We did some errands at the pharmacy and the supermarket, and then it was time to head back home. As we got into the car, and I was driving towards the exit, I remembered again with distaste that there was a possibility that I might not be able to easily exit. What I was really anxious about, typically, was that getting stuck at the parking exit would delay others behind me whose lives would be unduely disrupted by something I had committed. The dictum of hidup jangan menyusahkan orang was something I held very closely to heart, and I was happy always to lambast those who would break it. Now it could well be my turn to menyusahkan hidup orang.

As the parking exit booth loomed closer, I slowed down the car to a halt, and pressed the button on my right to roll down the window. (Remember those days when you had to actually wind a crank to bring the window down? Amazing.) I lifted my iPhone from its resting place in the centre console of the car, did the usual Open, Sesame gestures on my phone, waved the front of the phone near the parking console, and winced quietly as the seconds ticked, until –

The exit bar lifted up! It worked! In a fit of delight, I did a little whoop, pumped my fist into the air and yelled out with the car window still down: “Oh yeah! First world, baby!”

As the car eased its way past the exit booth and climbed upwards through the exit ramp into the open air, Kat couldn’t resist: “Hmm. If Lee Kwan Yew could crow about bringing Singapore from Third World to First, I guess we can be proud that Malaysia already has First World moments while still in Third!”

Ba-dum-tishhhh.

Tentang Lebai Alphard

(dengan pohonan ampun maaf buat penulis lagu asal)

Sepohon kayu daun berlendir
Lebat bunganya serta buahnya
Walaupun mulut berbuih "takbir!"
Kalau dah tak ikhlas apa gunanya?

Lihatlah, situ, si Lebai Alphard
Kopiah putih, hidupnya mewah
Rumah banglo tersergam megah
Akhlaknya bau bak ubat gegat!

Tunggang agama sehari-hari
Elaun berkoyan poket sendiri
Supaya nanti peroleh undi
Kuasa duniawi dijunjung tinggi.

Tentang Tenang yang Tiada Tercium

Engkau memandang penuh hukum
Tatkala takdir rahmatmu ranum
Aku bertenang di hilir ini
Meraut seberkas mimpi tersuci 

Semua sindiran berbalas senyum
Tenang hati tiada tercium
Jalan gegasmu penuh gerigi
Mukim hatiku damai abadi

Untuk engkau, jalanlah engkau
Untuk aku, haluan aku. 

On Being Originally Spicy

“I hope you don’t mind, I decided to order KFC for dinner today,” I said.

“Eh, no worries lah. Once in a while it’s ok.” Kat shrugged.

Fuh, can you smell that?!” I took a whiff of the fried chicken, all jumbled up in the paper box, parts of chicken anatomy of various shapes in assortment like a fragrant game of Tetris. “I hope you don’t mind, I ordered the Mixed option this time around. I know you’ve been preferring the Hot and Spicy flavour lately, but my heart is still set on the Original.”

“Well, the irony is that to be Spicy is actually more Original,” Kat said archly.